All week last week I made loud, commanding statements about how I was going to start my Detox Diet on Monday, therefore I should live it up as much as possible over the weekend and everyone should go ahead and start feeling sorry for me in advance. Of course, me being me I imbibed wholeheartedly all weekend, right up to about 11 pm on Sunday night so Monday morning came barreling into me with all the subtleties of a nefarious warmonger.
I realized by about 10 am that Monday was going to be perhaps the longest and most excrutiating day of my life. I couldn't find any hangover respite in caffeine, because that was on the "do not eat" list, nor could I drown my gnarling stomach in grease, because I was limited to only oranges, grapefruits and pineapple the first day; and I could only eat those every 90 minutes. A grapefruit every hour and a half is not my idea of a filling meal.
Anyhoo, by 4:00 any semblance of resolve I thought I'd mustered in tackling this project had flown out the window, along with my self-respect. I broke down at 4:47 pm and ate 3 handfuls of pistachios. Feeling like I'd cheated myself and also a little concerned at my blatant lack of self-control, I decided that I'd eat a vegan dinner and just chalk up the inability to not eat only citrus fruits for one day to the fact that I'd consumed about 4 gallons of beer the night before. Do you know how long it takes to find a satisfying and non-disgusting vegan meal at the grocery store?! A long damn time. 1 and 4 minutes later I left the Fresh Market with some sushi and seaweed salad, that upon eating, I removed the fish from and ended up eating avocado and cucumber wrapped in rice. Day 1 completed. Horrible; but completed.
Day 2 started again with no caffeine, but I was a little less cranky knowing that I could at least eat real foods (minus meat, dairy, booze, caffeine and refined sugars). So, I went to lunch and ordered a veggie pita wrap, hold the fries. What came on my plate? Fries. A potato, but still not the best food for a detox diet.
After working diligently all afternoon, I began to have my usual 5 pm craving for a happy hour beer, but thought that if I couldn't manage to detox otherwise, I should at least be able to abstain from booze for a few days.
By 11 pm last night I had consumed meat, cheese, booze and caffeine. ehh, detox diets are ridiculous anyway.
